In conflict interactions, 96% of the time, how a conversation starts determines how it will end – if a discussion starts harshly, it will most likely end in a fight.
More often than not, women are the ones to start conversations on sensitive issues in the marriage that need addressing, and the man is usually the one that tries to avoid them. Seeking consistent improvement and peace in the home is a priority for most women as it has biological and other benefits for women. However, because it takes the man longer to calm down once upset, he seeks to avoid the ordeal.
The tendency to use harsher ways of communicating these needs is higher if the partner is perceived to have ignored previous pleas. Being critical also guarantees that your partner will not hear you, therefore, not grant your request. So, you need to seek other means of reaching your partner that does not involve being critical.
A powerful way to soften an issue is to speak from a feeling point of view using ‘I’ statements; talk about how the challenge affects you personally and then end with a comment that expresses a request in a ‘wish’. Often, sentences that start with a ‘you’ are accusatory and will trigger defence.
Remember that, in conflict management, harmony is more desirable than being right or naming the culprit. It is better to be wrong and happy than right with a broken home.
Guides to soften start-up
Complain, but don’t blame.
Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or Judge. Instead of accusing or blaming, describe what you see.
Communicate clearly; don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.
Be polite; add phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…”
Be appreciative; If your partner has handled this situation better previously, couch your request with an appreciation of what s/he did right and how you miss that now.
Don’t store things up; It’s hard being gentle when filled with accusations about your partner. ‘… do not let the sun go down upon your wrath.’
Learn to put emotions into constructive words.
Before raising an issue, determine what you want from your partner, then turn the request into a wish.
Avoid the temptation of wanting your partner to feel bad or hurt because you are hurt.
Nancy Oblete