We continue our discussion on why it is that some couples have a harder time than others resolving their conflicts and what they can do about it. We looked the close mindset last week, today, we will be talking about the growth mindset
GROWTH MINDSET
The growth mindset holds the belief that everything is and can be learned; success is dependent on one\’s flexibility, ability to learn, and adapt.
People with this mindset see failures and mistakes as natural elements of growth; they use them as feedback mechanisms. They don\’t see faults as a judgment of who they are or their capacity but rather as an assessment of where s/he is now, what needs to work on, the partnerships and relationships they may need to forge, etc.
Once I was teaching a group of teenagers, and I gave that a puzzle to solve. This group was a mixture of teens from different educational backgrounds and levels. Three of the teens told me after a few trials that it was impossible to solve the puzzle—these teens where the most educated in the group.
One, in particular, stopped trying and was arguing about how impossible it was to solve it, despite all my encouragement to the group to keep trying.
There was this particular lady in the class who kept trying (interestingly was one of the least educated and exposed in the group). She would show me every attempt she made; there was no noticeable physiology change when she didn\’t get the expected result.
Your guess is as good as mine; she was the one that eventually solved the puzzle.
When people have a fixed mindset, it becomes challenging for them to solve their conflicts. If the conflict persists every time their spouse attempts to talk about it, s/he views it as an attack or disapproval, an indirect way of saying they are not capable or not good enough.
They find it difficult to accept their wrong because doing that is for them admitting that they are defective; this is also how they view their spouse’s errors – it is not seen as something that can be corrected or improved.
I find that there are some variations to this, especially in very religious settings where we ‘turn everything over to God’ in a way that absorbs us of any and every responsibility.
People that hold this belief say they are incapable of changing themselves, so they are waiting for God to change them. Failing to realise that they have God inside of them, which gives them the power to do ALL things, including making better choices, improve the quality of their lives, and the quality of their personality.
They do not understand that for every good marriage, the couple work at it. Fixed mindset people generally remove themselves from the place of responsibility and hand it over to God to do all the work while they enjoy the benefits.
These kinds of people do not go to marriage seminars, couple\’s retreats, they do not read personal development books or any form of self-help materials. They wait for God to give them the perfect partner so that they can have a trouble-free marriage. Underlining this behaviour is a lack of belief in their ability to change.
The fixed mindset reflects in statements like;
- ‘When two people meant for each other meet, it is just perfect.\’
- One is either lucky or unlucky in love.\’
- ‘Whatever will be will be.\’
- ‘This is who I am; you have to accept me the way I am.\’
- \’If you are lucky in love, then you will just click, and everything just works together.\’
- ‘You meet your soul mate, and everything will be perfect.\’
- ‘if you marry your own husband/wife, the marriage will work out fine, if not you will have hell on earth.\’
People having this mindset, find it challenging to work through conflict in their marriages because they do not see the possibility of change or improving in that area of their lives that could be the reason for the problem. Many of these people hide by claiming they are praying to change.
The growth mindset person loves and thrives on challenges; therefore, when there is a recurring issue with their spouse, they see it as a challenge, and they want to research more in-depth, ask for help, understand, and find better ways to work at it.
These people are excited at feedbacks because it tells them what they are doing right or wrong, so they can effect the correction and grow in the process.
Nobody can survive so long continuously under a critical voice; they would end up breaking. Nevertheless, growth-minded people handle criticism better than fixed minded people.
It follows that growth-minded people find it easier to adopt, get newer and better solutions to their challenges. They ask questions when needed, they accept when they are wrong easier, make corrections, discuss issues that are a challenge to them with people that can help in finding solutions.
Nancy Oblete