It has been two weeks since Chinedu and Nneka his wife starting being intentional about meeting each other\’s needs. Two nights ago, as the couple talked just before bedtime, they felt a strong sense of connection. Chinedu confessed to his wife at some point during the conversation that he had never felt this close to anyone.
Nneka was excited, her husband told her a lot about himself and his dreams that night than he had told her about himself since she had known him. She woke up earlier than usual the next morning to prepare breakfast but by the time she brought it to the bedroom, her husband was dressed for work.
He explained he had a lot of work to do in the office and would not be able to share breakfast with her, he also wouldn\’t be coming home early. Something seemed off with the way he left, he seemed distant, Nneka couldn\’t place her figure on what the problem was.
It has been two days now and Chinedu hasn\’t been himself, he has been avoiding Nneka, staying late at work, in fact, it seems he had gone back to being elusive.
Nneka begins to feel anxious again, she has gone over and over their last conversation in her mind to figure out what she said or did that may have led to this change. She is thinking of calling Chinedu in at work to ask what was wrong, just then she recognized that they were both slipping back into their old pattern where she chases after him and he runs.
Instead, she sends him a text message requesting of a ‘state of affairs\’ meeting and suggests he choose a convenient time since he was very busy, she added that she respected him and his desire to work and achieve. This was a sharp move from what she had been doing, in the past she would have called him to ask what she had done wrong or ignored him completely in hopes that he will feel guilty and apologise.
If that doesn\’t work, she would critics his work, friends or whatever it was she felt was his reason for not being available to her, at other times she would cry, get depressed, send tens of messages asking why he married her only to make her suffer.
Once they sat to have the meeting, Chinedu admitted that he had distanced himself from her because he didn\’t know how to handle all the emotions he was having after that night. He told himself he needed to clear his head and focus on things that were more important like work (playing the script he was brought up with).
The also confessed that he felt a bit of anger towards her for making him feel the way he did.
In the past he got attention by being elusive, hiding his real self and feelings but now she was making him express and talk about them and he doesn\’t know how to deal with being seen and being vulnerable.
Nneka felt a rush of empathy towards her husband, right before her was a man that was intelligent and exceptional at what he did yet was still a child when it came to managing his emotions. The couple agreed to write out the exit strategies they use so as not to sabotage their intimacy (for Nneka it was ways she became too clingy and for Chinedu it ways he hides and avoids intimacy).
They also agree to softly and politely mention to each other when either is activating an exit strategy.
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Cheers…