LOVE, MARRIAGE AND HIDDEN AGENDAS 5

We have been looking at the marriage of Chinedu and Nneka for four weeks now, today is the fifth episode.

Last week we looked at Chinedu and Nneka’s statement of the needs to each other, they were specific, measurable and stated as wishes. Chinedu looked at his wife’s requests and selected the once he thought would be easier to do and likewise did Nneka.

The key to remember at this time is; marriage is a marathon not a splint. As long as the partners are committed to their personal growth in the relationship there will be a gradual improvement.  The requests on Nneka’s list that she considered the most important where; sleeping on the same bed with her husband regularly, Chinedu letting her in, on his plans and they executing it together as a team and him coming home earlier so they can spend more time together.

Interestingly, none of these things were selected by her husband when he chose the once he would be more comfortable to do first.  Nneka had hoped that at least one of these wishes would make the first list but remembering her grandmother had told her of a lesson, she had learned from her own mother; who told her it was a proverb credited to the greatest warrior of their clan.  ‘To win the war, one would have to focus on each battle and win them’.

She accepted that he start with the once he was comfortable with and then during their review in two months’ time they will each have the opportunity to renegotiate. Chinedu was committed to making his wife happy by doing all he had agreed to do, the following morning before they both worked out the door for work he turned and passionately kissed his wife. In the course of the day he called to find out how she was doing.

When he arrived home from work that evening just as he was about to kiss Nneka again, she stopped him and said ‘do you really want to do this? because I feel as if you are doing it out of obligation and not because you truly love me and want to do this’. 

I see this happen many times, sometimes because we do not realize that every time one partner changes, even if it is a change we desire. The relationship changes meaning, we will also have to change.

More often, we ourselves are not willing to change as a result, some people will choose to keep complaining about a problem instead of doing anything to change it. Others create a new problem in an attempt to return to statuesque.

 Another reason for this behavior is an inner belief that we do not deserve this kindness we are now getting.

 All of Nneka’s life she has been denied this much-needed affection first from her father then her husband, now that he is beginning to give her just what she has always wanted. The gesture reveals an unconscious believes that she has developed as a result of constant rejection in this area; ‘I don\’t deserve to be shown affection or am not the kind of person that should be shown affection\’.

She finally gets what she wants but sabotages it. Nneka needs to understand what\’s happening here so she can give herself permission and create new beliefs that will help her to accept the affection she had always desired.

Thanks for you continues followership, stay tuned for a new episode next week, discussions continue on our group, where you ask any questions and/or make contributions.

Cheers…