Sex is regarded by many as one of the two most sensitive issues in marriage, as a result, we
find many articles and videos advocating that people become more proficient in
lovemaking/sex, they advocate and promote different sex positions and styles, they
sometimes suggest the use of sex toys, pornographic materials and masturbation as ways to
spice up sex. The choice of which of the above a couple uses is based on their moral
compass.
However, even though some couples argue it has made their sexual relationship more
exciting, these do not work for most couples having sexual issues because they are
superficial solutions. They only work for couples who are already enjoying a fulfilling sexual
relationship and both partners consent to spice up their intimacy using any of these methods
Tis is so because the major determinant of whether or not the sexual act is pleasurable is for
the most part not dependent on the proficiency of the partners.
A number of things account for how pleasurable sex can be in marriage, we will consider some here,
but first, we must remember that long term committed relationship like marriage
are not the same as flings or other kinds of sexual expressions. It will, therefore, be a mistake to use the parameters of one to judge the other.
Chief among the factors that account for a sexually fulfilling life in marriage is the health of the relationship itself
. Sex in marriage is like the litmus test that tells of the health of
couple should have sex but because a couple in crisis find each other less attractive
If the relationship is in a good place the couple can relax more in the embrace of each
The health of a relationship is so important that over and over researcher have found that
most affairs do not start for sexual reasons but for emotional once.
A few years ago, a family friend of ours was lamenting to me how he felt sex staved in his marriage
. I knew the wife very well so it was easy to ask a few questions to help him, ‘what
is your relationship like with your wife\’ I asked. Very good, he answered. Describe to me how
you engage, what you do when you go home before bedtime. The summary was nothing
much, she basically would be in the kitchen while he would be in the living room watching tv.
When they are done eating, she puts their baby to sleep and then joins him to watch tv
briefly before going to bed.
I said to him, your wife loves to talk. Do you take out time to listen to her tell you about her
day? Do you sometimes walk into the kitchen while she is cooking just to chat even if you
don\’t help with the work? Do you know her love language? He hadn\’t done any of this just on
rare occasions and he didn\’t know anything about love languages. I added ‘you know you do
not need to bother about what to say, once you are available your wife would have enough
for you two to talk about.
He was surprised at the results, once he showed a little more interest in what was happening
in her life, she was more willing to have sex.
Trust is another key factor in any relationship, it determines how satisfied a person will feel
about their marriage relationship and by extention sex. Trust does not just refer to chastity
(even though exclusivity is very important for a large number of married people), it also
refers to deep conviction between the partners that they have got each other\’s backs. That
the partner will be there when they need h/her, that h/her emotions are safe with their
spouse, a deep conviction that the partner admires and cherishes h/her. Usually, the level of
trust is expected to grow as the relationship grows as this level of trust is built gradually and
over time.
Are you there for your partner when h/she needs you?
… to be continued.