Nneka told her husband how much she had always longed to have a man that was homely and physically affectionate.
Her
father was not around a lot, when he was, he was very critical and
inaccessible, this greatly affected his relationship with her mother and
eventually with his children.
Nneka went on to say, as a result of this, her mother was often depressed and an emotional mess.
Nneka
had therefore resolved not to go through what she saw her mum go
through; she would marry a man she was sure loved her and put her first
before anyone or anything else.
She
immediately began to feel a rush of anxiety, as Chinedu got more
engrossed at work and coming home too tired to spend time talking with
her, it felt like a very bad dejavu.
Chinedu,
on the other hand, was raised to deny and completely suppress his need
for physical affection and show of emotion, it was for girls was what he
had come to believe.
His
parents never told him that but he noticed that his mum only hugged and
peaked his sisters. He and his younger brother were never hugged or
shown any form of physical affection and then dad didn\’t as much as
share a handshake with him all through his growing up years.
He didn\’t have permission to cry, he was taught that a man needed to be strong.
As
children, our primary caretakers helped shape us and inevitably help
shape our choice of who we fall in love with and eventually marry.
This
is the reason why children of alcoholics often become one themselves
and/or marry to alcoholics, girls that saw their mothers physically
abused often marry an abusive man or may end up hating men entirely.
The
people we fall in love with most often have both the good and negative
traits of our primary caretakers especially the one that affected us the
most.
An exception is
those that were traumatized by a trait of one of the caretaker and them,
therefore, make a decision (may be conscious or unconscious) to marry
someone that is the extreme opposite from the caretaker.
Either way, our caretakers help us decide who we would love in our adult years.
The
other exceptions are those who through one means or the other (whether
occurring naturally as they go through life or intentionally) were able
to make peace with the wound(s) in their past thereby removing that
criteria from the things they consciously look out for in a mate.
Phycologist
over the years has called this phenomenon by different names the one I
like most because of its simplicity is “unfinished business”.
Every
couple have things in their past they have not resolved therefore the
universe gives them another opportunity to learn the lessons the
experience was intended to teach them and heal. This is one of the
reasons we say in most cases divorce is not the solution.
Many
divorcees find that they remarry the same person only this time he has a
different name, in fact sometimes someone worse or someone on the
extreme opposite.
As long as the lessons the experience was meant to teach are not learnt the universe keeps bringing it up in different forms.
By
having the conversation Chinedu and Nneka had, they create empathy that
allows each partner to give room for the gradual growth of the other.
This
discussion is not intended to excuse a partner\’s weakness(es), neither
is it to be used as a weapon against the partner because doing so can
erode the trust matrix in the relationship and make having a fulfilling
marriage hard to accomplish.
We will take it up from here next week.Thank you for staying tuned
