Last week in my post on ‘The Art of Listening,’ I mentioned that we could use self-calming skills to help us while listening, but what are these skills, and how can we use them? Many of us already use these tools consciously sometimes.
Self-soothing is the ability for one to calm themselves down after being aroused physiologically. It is a very vital skill we hopefully would have learnt from infancy. The ability to self-regulate is a skill that helps your marriage or romantic relationships and every other form of human interaction we are engaged.
Quite often, during conflict interactions, especially in marriage, one or both partners could become overwhelmed by emotions arising from the disagreement, known as psychological flooding. When partner(s) become flooded, it is sure that no meaningful conversation will happen until the partners calm down.
Therefore, it is paramount that partners learn to identify when they are overstimulated and apply self-calming techniques to stop the discussion from taking a negative spiral.
Some techniques for self-soothing during a conflict conversation include;
- Taking Deep Uniform Breaths; When we are ‘flooded’ most times, we either are breathing shallowly or holding our breath; breathing deeply and slowly can help you feel calmer.
- Watch Your Thoughts; You are more likely to get aroused if you are worried that the discussion will have a lasting impact on your relationship. On the other hand, thinking; we will get through this, we are okay, we can fix this, can help you stay centred and calm during the talk.
- Use Appropriate Humour to Reduce Tension; Humour, if used skillfully, would also reduce the arousal the other partner may be experiencing.
- Take A Break; Identify when you are becoming too angry to be objective and ask for a time-out. The time out should be long enough to ensure you are calm – researchers say 25mins to 30mins is good enough. While on the break, engage in activities that help you relax. Ensure to get back to the conversation afterwards.